i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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