When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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