so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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