why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
