Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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