you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
