does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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