Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
