FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
