There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
