My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
