i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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