The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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