Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
