Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
