Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
