Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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