If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
