i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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