He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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