Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
