i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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