Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
