I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
