Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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