then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize