he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
