I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
