Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
