Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
