two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
