We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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