i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You should frame my arrest warrant.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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