Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
