i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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