Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
