my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
