i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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