i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
