just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
