just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
