I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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