Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
