Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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