She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
