After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
