i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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