I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
