so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
