Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just blew my weed a kiss
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
