I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
