that's an acceptable place to lick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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