Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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