meet me or not, i'm out of control
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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