You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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