You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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