If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
time to smoke my breakfast
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
