I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
