guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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