He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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