No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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