i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
