its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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