I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want her autograph on my taint
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Randomize
