I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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