She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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